whew.
second post of the year!
it's june already, and I'm just thinking about life in general.
about my future, to be exact.
what do I want to do? what do I want to be?
what I thought I'd like to do is become a medical technology researcher.
but just tonight, I started thinking. what if I go into business? like start a business?
then I decided, that during my lifetime, I would definitely start a business... and I hope it will happen.
some updates for these june holidays:
1. HK trip was AMAZING because of the people on the trip. made me reflect on a lot of things too
2. NUS-SRP is pretty fine, though it's hard to understand at times. 慢慢来吧 :P
3. study with kek = life and joy. I may act all unappreciative (coz I tsun af right) but y'all make my world.
there's something that I learnt in hk. I forgot for a moment hold on (it's really late now, and I have to wake up very soon)
er
it was something inspiring lah but I can't rmb.
also, this blog could be my kryptonite HAHAHA I put so much rubbish here, so if people conduct background checks, they'll know that my brain spoil one haiz
I'm not unhappy at the moment, but I have been happier. it's funny how when the people you're surrounded with changes, you change a little inside too.
I feel uncomfortable with myself, with what I do, how I respond to things, and how I overanalyse (irony heh). because of that... it's like I'm trying so hard to hold on to who I am but it backfires miserably.
perhaps, I'm being selfish; focusing on me instead of everyone else because all I'm thinking of is "try to be myself, try to be myself"
or perhaps, I'm too fixated on the past; trying to recreate a previous experience.
or just perhaps... I'm being inflexible and I should just relax and go with the flow, instead of insisting on my way.
priorities:
1. health (mine and ppl around me)
2. happiness (mine and ppl around me)
3. everything else
I'm just writing down whatever comes to mind, I have lots of things to think through
I remember when I was younger (maybe 13 or 14), I thought that I would die before I hit 20 (just had a feeling), so I wouldn't really need to plan for the future.
and because of that, I've never really had any clear direction in life. I just tried to experience as many things as I can, tried to learn as much I can, tried anything I could get my hands on.
but now I'm 17, and it looks like there'll be a good chance of me surviving into old age. so I've really gotta start focusing hm
oh yes. the hk trip deep lesson thibg. more insightful than anything.
so there was this story where this girl really wanted a pet puppy. she asked her mum but her mum said no.
so instead, she asked if she could borrow books on puppies, and her mum said, sure.
after reading many books, she compiled all the knowledge on how to keep a puppy, and presented it to her mum. because she proved that she was serious and sincere about getting a pet puppy, her mum decided, ok, she could.
so now she has a puppy.
that really really got me thinking. and guilty.
of course, parents say no for many good reasons. and there's been far too many things that I've wanted but never got because my parents said no. but I've never looked into changing their mind in a way that really shows my sincerity towards that thing they say no to.
it's usually "please" and fluffy "I can one"s. never anything to show that I can really do it.
there's a few explanations I have for this:
1. more likely: I lack sincerity and determination. I'm not sincere towards what I want, meaning that I've never wanted anything badly enough with my whole soul and body. and that's why I don't try hard to get it, because it doesn't seem like it's worth the effort, if I'm okay with having it or not having it.
2. less likely, but may be a contributing factor: my parents don't really support things that they don't see a point to doing, especially if it's even a bit dangerous. so they say no straightaway, and don't give me leeway to prove that I really want it. and so even if they know I want it, I would feel like they would still stick to "no" as an answer.
3. I really can't handle it. coz I can't even properly take care of myself, get enough sleep, I'm semi addicted to youtube, I don't have time most of the time, I fall sick every month, etc. maybe I'm already biting off more than I can chew, and yet greedy me wants more food.
then recently, I read a lunarbaboon comic (sweet comics) about the importance of family support (the kid made an ugly cardboard spaceship for his dad, yet the dad said it was great, keep it up. in the end, the kid grew up and built a real cool spaceship, dedicated to his dad).
I cried lol
my parents are really supportive ppl, but only in academics. but I appreciate it lots anyway
sighpie
I wish I could find something I truly love doing. it's harder than finding a needle in a haystack - a needle's a needle, but passion changes with time.
I'm sleeping right about now.
my prayers: 1) acceptance 2) peace 3) drive
lynn