update

fuck’s sake.

been feelin pretty shit recently.

let me talk about it for a bit yea.

I’m workin at a pet shop rn, so a lot of animal related shit is coming up.

I saw a little stray kitten the other day and it pains me that I haven’t seen it again since. I need a kitten in my life, why does my mother hate animals? I don’t understand. salty as fuck about all the children walking into my shop with their parents and getting not one, but two fucking rabbits. and the parents completely understand that they’ll eventually be the one taking care of the pets because normal children aren’t able to handle cleaning an entire rabbit cage properly by themselves. and they’re okay with that.

fuck.

so a few days ago I scraped a rotting dead hamster from the bottom of a plastic tank into the bin. I physically shuddered in disgust. I’m not one to be freaked out by gross things but this was just really really bad.

the day after that, I found a tinyass bird that fell from its nest but it was still alive so I warmed it up with a hairdryer and kept it warm. but it died on me. it made me sad.

on that same day, one of the guinea pigs got both its hind legs stuck in a holes on the bottom of the cage. I panicked like fuck, and tried to pull the legs out but they were not budging. so I called my boss and he asked me for fuck am I panicking like excuse me, you’ve done this business for years and years so obviously you wouldn’t even raise an eyebrow,  but I have never encountered such shit before so what’s wrong with being fucking worried for the animal that’s obviously in a lot of pain? and he asked me to pull the legs out slowly but it wouldn’t happen. so I asked the pet shop people next door to help me and they advised me to cut the plastic. I called my boss again and told him and he was annoyed that I involved “outsiders” in a problem that shouldn’t be made public. what fuck. anyway the next door people helped me cut the plastic and I am eternally grateful and I hope the guinea pig is okay now (my boss took it away somewhere).

also on my boss, it’s fucking annoying how he talks about his employees like we’re shit in front of customers. like the other day I was talking to customers about their pets and stuff so I forgot to key in the two bags of hay that were on the ground out of my sight that they were purchasing, along with a multitude of other things. but I haven’t closed the receipt yet so technically I just wasn’t finished yet. he pointed the hay out and I was like “oh yeah right”, and keyed them in. he said, and I quote, “see lah, always talk so much and forget to key in items”. yo. fuck off. I have not made a single mistake in keying in items yet alright. you may be joking but it’s rude to do it at my expense, and make me look like a shit worker in front of your customers. in fact, in the time I’ve been here, you’ve fucked up more than I have in this respect. this is why you can’t keep good workers, none of them want to put up with your shit. fucking stop.

what other nonsense happened recently? right. I lost my phone. again. I’m not super bothered since it’s such a shit phone, but it does have my whatsapp messages and photos and contacts. how now brown cow. I hope I get it back even if it’s so shit.

I don’t even use my phone when I’m out, how did I lose it even? fucking shit.

also my mother. help me. I try not to complain about her because I’ve learnt that it’s a shit thing to do to your own parent, but help me.

even though I’m an irresponsible little fuck who can’t do anything right, it’s my problem, not hers. why does she want to micromanage the fuck out of me? can’t she tell that I’m purely annoyed at this point, and doing exactly the opposite of whatever she tells me to do? she’s the factor in my life that stresses me out the most. there’s no competition there.

someone tell me, is this a “grass is greener on the other side” situation, where if I got less attention/care from my mother I’d be equally stressed and annoyed? does it even matter at this point?

I know I’m messy as shit and tired (lazy) all the fucking time to clean up. and I know it’s my mother’s house and technically I have no way to argue against a “landlord” who tells me to literally get my shit together and not leave it everywhere. but all my stuff is confined to just two corners in this entire house. what’s the deal. why can’t I leave my hairties in the bathroom on a shelf that you don’t use? why is she angry at everything I do, fuck. stop comparing me to my father and scolding the both of us like we are one and the same person. stop overreacting and blowing things way out of proportion. I lost my phone. and the single reason why I didn’t want to mention it to my mother was because she’s just gonna go batshit insane worrying about it, which helps nothing. she asked me about my phone yesterday night because guess who enjoys micromanaging and checking what’s in  my bag every night for no fucking reason? I told her I lost the phone because I don’t want to lie because morals, and she just freaks out. and in the morning she complains that she couldn’t sleep well because my phone gone, but it really could have not been a problem if she just keeps her cool about everything.

why my mother gotta be so paggro about everything fuck. how can I appreciate her for the completely unnecessary shit she chooses to do, and then complain that we don’t care about it enough? she truly thinks that she’s a victim in every scenario ever so how? what she want me to do? if I do what she wants me to like a perfect little fuck then what’s she gonna nitpick at next?

also why does she still care what time I sleep? I’ve told her again and again and again and again and again, that I sleep when I get tired. there is absolutely no use or need for her to wake up every hour to call me to sleep. it doesn’t work, and will never work, and neither of us benefit from it. just sleep for fuck’s sake. I will sleep when I want to, and I tell her this firmly every night. when will she get the message. when I go off for university and she can’t bother with my sleep schedule when I’m at the hall? and she wonders why I would ever want to leave the “comfort of home” to live in the hall.

I need my alone time, and the middle of the night is the only time I can properly get it, because everything I do, she questions. so annoying to be eating seaweed halfway and she sees it and absolutely needs to know what it is and where I got it from. and friendly reminders to dispose of the wrapper properly and to not eat too much because it’s not healthy. I get where she’s coming from, but it’s annoying.

she scolds me for things that aren’t even that terrible and it’s just cause she enjoys nagging at me like it’s a hobby. she has “nothing to do other than take care of me” and refuses to find a hobby. she is perfectly aware that she’s annoying but when I talk to he about it she sorta laughs it off and says that she got nothing else to do. shit’s sake. it’s not funny. she needs to back off my life.

fuck this.

also generally bothered by a customer that I entertained for more than two hours only to tell my boss that I (as a salesperson) had “good points and bad points” and then be like “but yeah she’s overall good”. what the fuck are my bad points, I need to know. you shit I talked to for two hours it was tiring as shit. if you’re gonna bring up that I got bad selling techniques then you gotta tell me what they are, and not leave me to think about it okay. fuck. I don’t remember where I fucked up please tell me.

now let’s move on to good things that happened recently:

bryan yang’s pop! fucking blessed to have him a friend honestly. although most of the time I just whine to him about everything he still thinks I’m an okay person. he’s just a genuinely good person. thanks bryan. I need to remember his birthday 3 june or he gonna guilt the shit outta me about it again.

got a new fish! it’s a black ranchu. I think it might be blind. also one of my goldfish died but it’s ok. it was happy.

gonna re-evaluate my life and my relationships with other people. to my friends, know that I care about you probably a lot more than you think, I’m terrible at expressing it because insecurities and other excuses. hang soon yea.

I chose biological science at ntu over architecture. and I realise I made a similar choice years ago. deciding between biotechnology and design studies. strange parallels, but here I am back again with biology. I’ve always really enjoyed the subject I guess. I hope my uni peeps gonna be people I can relate to, especially my future roommate.. I’m looking at biology as something that will open a door to other paths like veterinary or paleontology? crossing my fingers.

australia pr thing has been extended by one year. fingers crossed on that too.

I’m thinking of getting a second job at the pet’s station. still thinking. cause I only have a monthish left.

I think that’s all. thanks for reading.