Journaling!

I'm trying to work through my thoughts. Who I am, what I am, how I feel.

Nobody owes me anything.

"Yeah we can be abandoned, and that will be okay."

Gratitude:

1. I am grateful for my friends at uni. They are kind to me and help me feel valued.

2. I am grateful for the house I live in. It provides me comfort and a space which feels safe.

3. I am grateful for the honest open conversations that I can have with the people around me. It helps me stay connected to who I am.

Recognising my strengths:

1. I am good at being social, talking to people, getting to know them. It makes me happy and comfortable, and boosts my self-confidence.

When did I do a good job / use a strength of mine?

1. When I went to Flodge on Thursday. I was able to talk to people semi-comfortably. I was happy to be sharing in that space.

What I'm getting right?

1. I'm taking time for myself, learning and growing who I am. Quieting my anxieties about the world. Choosing to understand the things that out of control in my life. Loving to love. Passionate stoicism.

What is good in my life?

1. 

What I want to adjust?

words will be words will be words will be words

I'm writing as if I hope these words will reach you. it's funny, because you always complained that I never texted you enough while you were around. and now, only when you're dead and gone, I'm writing long long messages to you. messages that you'll never actually read. isn't that ironic? I think it's so ironic.

you're not in pain anymore, and that was all I wanted for you. to stop hurting. for me to stop hurting you.

I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you in your last moments. I would have stopped you again if I was there. and then the pain would just go on and on and on.

let's talk about the future first, because memories are too hard to talk about. the new bird park will be opening on 8th may 2023. I mean, you knew that. you told me that. and we were supposed to go there together, just like how we went to the old one together. you just sent me this photo a few weeks ago; I still had pink hair then.

7th june. your birthday. I wanted to send you a gift. I hadn't really thought about what exactly I would have sent you yet. I told you I would have sent you something anyway, but since now you'll never receive it, I don't have to think about it anymore. it would probably have been turtle-related. might be something from a beach. where is the die that I gave you while we were in phuket? I know you held onto it. you held onto every useless thing I collected and gave you. even my white hairs off my head.

you were supposed to be here in june/july. I was really looking forward to that. I told you I'd have a place for you here if you ever decided to come. but you can't decide that anymore, so I think I might go back to sg instead; I can't stand being here alone, knowing that you were supposed to be here with me. I told you I'd go to marine parade and sit there at the void deck of your hdb block. other places I wanted to sit at were the rock at ecp, and I'd wander through cbtl and mcdonalds as well. thinking about it hurts so I have to stop for now. and I might not have the strength to do that this year, or maybe ever. idk.

I just stopped typing for a hot minute. nobody told winni you dum. you didn't give freda a way to contact her. I just had to tell her that you were gone. ur such a dum. 

25 April 2023, 9:34PM, Sydney:

time has frozen in place for me. everything has felt unreal since you've been gone. I will always be 23-24 years old, living life with you. y'know how time kinda stops while you're on holiday? something like that, but this holiday doesn't have an end.

I typed a bunch of things, but all of what I was saying was so ironic I had to delete it. but I want to remember, so here it is:

things like, I could be talking to anyone in the world right now, but I only want to talk to you.

and things like, you're so cruel. 

and things like, this was exactly what I doing to you.

and thoughts like, are you giving me a taste of my own medicine? is this what it is?

and thoughts like, your pain never really went away when you died. it just transferred onto me, and everyone else who loved you. (and how can you do that to someone you claimed to love that much?)

and thoughts, that it was really such a lot of pain for one person to carry. and I'm sorry this is the moment I understand it, only when it doesn't mean anything to understand it anymore.

I don't have to filter my words now that you can't be angry at me.

delusion.

shaking, but not because I'm cold.

I hope I don't see any birds today.

I love you.

I miss you.

I keep seeing birds.

18th April 2023, 1:49am (SGT)



here are my words

i'm not qualified to be there for u

i can't reply because conversation is too hard

"he is resenting u and pretending he is somebody he isn't for the relationship"

"that is not healthy for anyone"

what do u need to do for me to talk to u again?

go to therapy.

tell u what i want?

for u to go to therapy.

ur pretending ur someone ur not. of course ur not ok.

ur pretending ur someone ur not so that i will love u. but thats not u.

and u know thats not u.

im overwhelmed by ur messages. i only block u when u start calling me. i dont want to talk to u because idk what to think.

u need words from me? here are my words.

go seek professional help. go to therapy.

To whom it may concern

"... you, who I hope can help, because I can't."

This is not what I want, and I cannot keep choosing what I do not want.

The skin on my lips are peeling. Where's my lip balm.

Lip balm.

Who am I to decide if you live or die? The universe knows we are insignificant.

I am scared and I am choosing to run away. Every time I have engaged, I have made a mess worse than the previous mess I was in.

You make me angry at myself. You request for me to tell you to kill yourself.

I will not be doing any such thing.

1st day alone in Sydney

I have a lot of thoughts, so I guess I should write them down.

Right now I'm sitting in my room (nicely vacuumed carpet, cleaned walls, dim orange lighting). I've not showered yet and I'm kinda sticky/sweaty.

One of my housemates just walked past my door, I think they were having dinner in the living room. Mabel and Will were cooking, I'm not sure if Darcy joined them. Yesterday, they did ask me if I wanted to join, but I didn't really want to. Told them I might be going to the Sydney Fish Market (which actually closes at 4pm... I know because I was there at 4pm). I'll only go out to shower after they head to bed. They're nice, I'm just awkward and social interactions take energy and I have none right now.

I'm pretty sure the only people who might read this are myself (in the future) and the closest people I'll share this with. So I'll type whatever comes to mind and see where this goes.

Freedom can be quite lonely. I'm not doing much until school starts (on 13 Feb) so I guess I'll feel quite alone for now. I might need a while to grow to be comfortable with this, but until then I might keep writing to give my emotions some space to exist without me forgetting.

(Random: I saw 3 cats on the way home from the supermarket! One was the cat I saw my first day here, and today I read his tag. His name is Fat Boi. The next one was a small cat in some art studio? The third was fluffy and shy. They'll be a huge source of motivation for me to want to go grocery shopping... I think.)

Forgetting... My memory really isn't the best. I don't know why. Am I just not trying hard enough to remember things? There are things I want to remember about this week in Sydney. Shopping at Coles, Kmart, etc. Cooking my first dinner. I'm already beginning to forget.

I've been feeling really tired lately. It might just be the anxiety of being away from family and friends in a new place. The closest I have felt to this might be when I moved into hall? But even then, home was near and friends were at least in the same (tiny) country. I admit that I'm really quite scared. I'm planning to put my brother's name and contact number in the back of my phone for emergencies. And maybe my own contact details as well, for people to contact me if I dropped my phone (and wallet) somewhere and they found it.

Or... The dim orange lighting might be making me sleepy.

I had more thoughts and feelings just now, but they've all kinda slipped away, bubbling up to the surface once in a while. I don't know if I'll ever be able to capture all of them by writing.

I'm currently reading Flowers for Algernon. I'm about a third through the book, and it's uncomfortable. I accidentally skipped to the end and I caught a bit of how it ends (also Shray explained the book to me so I kinda know that it ends this way). But I do wanna finish reading it.

I might go take a shower now. And then take a look at my past week of receipts and do some budgeting.

I might come back to write more. We'll see (the royal "we").