First of post of 2017.
Time passing by so quickly really terrifies me. Perhaps it's because I've taken up reading again - Norwegian Wood by Murakami - and though I haven't finished reading it yet, it's an eloquently written book, with a focus on the passing of time, I guess. And sex and death. Mostly sex. Like if I were to name this book, I'd call it "Toru's Sex Life" or something.
So the reason why I own this book is actually rather weird. So basically we had this Secret Santa thing that kids of our generation are into (including me, its actually very rewarding), and my Santee asked for this very book. So I tried to find a new one on Carousell because I figured it'd be cheaper than in bookstores and I'm always broke.
So I found a listing, and I bought the book. The description claimed that the book was "new" but it obviously is not. It has pages so yellow that the book looks like McDonald's merchandise (the book cover is red) and the spine was all creased, something I've learnt to hate from jw.
If it was for me, I'd be okay with it - I like the smell of old books, and I don't really mind an ugly book as long as its story is intact. But this was going to be a gift, and it was supposed to be "new" and I had also accidentally paid $3 more than what we had agreed that I would buy it for, and the seller has not/would not return the $3 to me (a small amount but I am so broke and its a matter of principle really).
So I kept this book and I bought another one for my Santee. And I started reading it, and I wondered, why would anyone read this book? It's just really long-winded sex stuff with the guy talking about how intensely monotonous his life is. Isn't this author rather reknowned for his books? But I just kept reading and I'm on page 321 now, and though there are things I don't quite understand, there's also a feeling that I can't quite explain as I read the book.
I'm not sure if I'm imagining it, but the feeling is quite powerful. I mean, it spurred me to write this blog post, which indirectly means that I want to remember this moment in my life and how I felt. It's not nostalgia exactly, not sympathy either. It's just a deep resonant feeling, repeating and repeating, but slowly fading away now.
Maybe I don't want time to slip past me. I'm turning 18, and soon I'll be 19, 20, 30, 40 and before I know it, I'll be lying on my deathbed, hopefully looking upon faces that are familiar to this 17 year-old me, and ones that I haven't met yet, and some that don't even exist yet.
Recently, I showed this blog to a friend, and jokingly said that I should join Writer's Circle (the writing CCA in our school). Now that I think of it, I really do like writing, but I don't think I'd be happy if I had to write on a deadline. Y'know, I just want to write when I have something to say.
I'm kinda going around in circles now anyway, so I'd like to write this short paragraph to a person I admire, but I feel it'd be too awkward/strange to send it to them. Here goes:
You know how in interviews for leadership positions, they sometimes ask "So why do you want this position? Do you need this position to lead?" and my (and probably every normal person's) answer would be something like "No, but it'll definitely help me lead better because reasons."? Well, to me, you're the very personification of the question. You're a leader, with or without a position, and you have this quiet influence that is really comforting and amazing. I look up to you, and even though I've only recently got to know you a bit better, you've become quite an inspiration to me. You're a good person, and there are so few people that have made me think this way about them, so yeah, I'm not saying it lightly. You deserve the best life, and I pray that nothing ever brings you down.
That kinda got me thinking. A leadership position is kinda to acknowledge that yes indeed you've done a lot for this, and may be a form of encouragement to reward people for contributing more? I'm just writing out what I'm thinking, but those thoughts are quite raw and unanalysed, so sorry if it's not correct.
I have more things to say, but I think I'll stop here. I've rambled on enough. One last thing though... I might not understand this after some time, but for now:
I really hope it's not like that _______ ___ ___ __ ___. Please ____ __ ________.
Sayonara.