hey y'all :) just an update on my life thus far
I'm writing this blog post because post-anime feels (ansatsu kyoushitsu - it's an amazing watch, great storyline, great character development, great plot reveal. a must watch please go watch it)
and so I decided that today I would like to leave a little mark on the internet through this blog of mine, up and running for so many years now. I feel... comforted, knowing that I can go back to look at my various childhood musings. and I think I've said this before, but I really hope blogger never decides to suddenly shut down (I already hate windows live messenger because they did that). knowing that I can look back on what I've done and where I've been - that's also the reason why I keep a super accurate calendar of events on jorte hehe.
I'll be talking about 3 main things today: goodbyes, an update on my life in jc, and reflections
so starting with goodbyes. mild spoiler alert, ansatsu kyoushitsu has a real lengthy goodbye scene... and it got me thinking. I messaged my group of friends, asking them: "so like I can't even stand to watch fake ppl say goodbye right // how am I gonna say goodbye to my parents when they die???"
they kinda didn't reply (it's late - past 12 - and there's "school" tomorrow)
it's much easier to leave people behind than being left behind I guess.
that mindset made me the kind of person I am now, subconsciously shielding myself from others and just putting up a wall of some sort between myself and everyone else. because I don't like goodbyes. I've always always ALWAYS hated saying goodbye. the various major goodbyes in my life: from primary school, from secondary school... all sucked. even the little goodbyes, going home from school and such - that's why I was willing to take a roundabout way home just so that the goodbye could be delayed. but I've quite outgrown that (or maybe it's the wall working?).
am I needy? clingy? is that what it is? what a depressingass post. (ps. my humour defence mechanism kicking in)
so like I said, I subconsciously keep people from myself. but what about my family? my parents and brother, who are going to die before I do (if I die of old age). usually I'd be selfish and want to be the one leaving, but for them, I imagine the pain would be far greater if they had to send me off early. so I'd be the one left behind for them... but how can I say goodbye?
the rational answer: treasure the moments spent together, even if they're not here physically, they'll always be there in your heart. yup, heard those kinda things before. though they offer comfort, I'm sure things will definitely change once the people you love are gone. though change is the only constant, I still don't like change.
okay that's it for goodbyes, moving on, life in jc.
promos passed by quite successfully, I got ABCDE (gp omg fml) but I'm quite happy with that. it was an improvement from MYE after all. I signed up for math R paper though (still can't believe my math sucks more than my econs)
I'm medsoc secretary and it's really quite fun working with the exco haha
okay FML my parents are getting on my case coz it's late and I stole the internet lolol errr I'LL TYPE FASTER
in choir we got HK trip coming up, and I'm quite excited for it. hoping to build lasting friendships through the trip :)) and TVC is great too, we just performed dick lee's song with the singapore chinese orchestra. the people there are really great (in tvc not in sco lolol tho I'm sure they are nice ppl too)
I'm now arts and culture secretary in AVCC YEC. valence and I are going to do the Book of Records thingy on sunday!!! excited but scared we can't pull it off too hahaha but we're last minute pros so yeahhs :D
OH and SOMETHING REAL IMPORTANT. PW!! OP is on tuesday so I'm praying to do well! need more prep though. I'm glad my pw mates and I don't have to end it on a sour note, even though we aren't particularly sweet either hehe. I'd describe us as bbq flavoured.
I'm also GM for the upcoming JCO! hahaha I really do want to make my juniors feel welcome in VJC just like I was (even though I took quite some time adjusting to the school and the people here). honestly I became a GM because I had no confidence in being an OGL, but I don't regret my decision! GM suits my personality way better I feel ;)
also I went for HHN! worth the $55 and all my fretting because I got home super late. great company and great fun!!!
annnnndddd FINALLY I'M GOING TO SEE YUNHUI DANCE!!!! OMG AFTER SO MANY YEARSSSSS it'll be on friday!
bio olympiad on saturday!!! (SO MANY THINGS upcoming omg and I still watching anime ahahha I suck)
okay finally my last topic, REFLECTIONS.
reflections are things that we do after doing other things right? (reading back now a few minutes later, I'm laughing at how little sense that makes) and I'm beginning to feel the importance of writing out proper reflections after doing significant things, such as JCO planning and stuff. and after cambodia gcp, I learnt that real reflections aren't just what happened and stuff, but really much more of what I learnt, how I learnt it, how it will impact my actions in the future, critical and insightful things that I gain from living my life. and that's really important to learn and grow as an individual (and also for admission/job interviews). I'm really not super good at reflecting and maybe that's limiting my growth as a person. I find it difficult to put intangible feelings and thoughts into words. in the words of my biology teacher, I'm terrible at expressing myself.
so maybe... I should start writing things that matter. writing down, in my blog, my learnings in words, anything I feel that impacted me, what I feel will help me grow. even if it's through a mistake I made (which I tend to dismiss because I'm a proud mfker and dislike talking about my weaknesses). maybe that will help me think clearer and be a better person.
I've also only just realised the importance of developing myself. so I'm going to make the effort to stretch myself.
aights it's late, I've got a meeting with programme ogls and fellow gamemaster tmr, as well as practice op. ja ne.
(it's important that I use words and phrases I'd still understand years into the future. otherwise I wouldn't make sense to myself haha, and that would be wasted memories.)
(I also think I should continue learning japanese. even though I can't even handle chinese ahahaha what a loser banana)
Monday, November 7, 2016
Saturday, July 30, 2016
晴
This story is for all of you with a little bit too much pasta on your pasta bracelets.
I was on the bus from school today and I was nearly home. As I reached out to press the alighting bell, which rang with an angry buzz, something on a man's wrist caught my eye.
It resembled a string of different brightly-coloured pasta tubes looped around his wrist. Residing between a bracelet of brown spherical beads and a couple of leather cords, it really looked quite out-of-place. Especially since the owner of this wrist was someone you'd call "uncle", his bare feet resting on the floor of the bus and his worn-out sandals kicked aside.
Of course, at that moment, the bus pulled to a stop and I got off pretty hastily. It was late, and I wanted to be home as quickly as I could.
Some thoughts, albeit pretty judgemental, were running through my mind. Firstly, he's a man! Why is he wearing bracelets? Secondly, if that was a pasta bracelet, why would he wear it out? Thirdly, is that really a pasta bracelet?
So for the rest of my story to work out, I assumed that it was indeed a pasta bracelet. And I calmed the gender stereotypical part of me down and accepted that, yes, men can and do wear accessories. And my final thought was: this man must be a father.
I guessed that his pasta bracelet must have been made by one of his children or grandchildren and given to him as a gift. Even though he probably knew that others might judge him for that colourful band of pasta, he wore it for the happiness of the person who made it for him.
As I walked home fron the bus stop, another thought popped up in my mind. Whoever made him the bracelet really knew him.
Sure, making a pasta bracelet may be easy. Just paint some pasta in different colours, slip them on some cotton twine and tie a knot.
But if there are too few pieces of pasta, it would look ugly, with gaps here and there. And if there are too many, the bracelet would be too loose for the wrist, and might just slip off.
We all have metaphorical pasta bracelets on our wrists. Some red pasta tubes for academics, a couple of green ones for soccer practice, blue ones for practicing your violin, purple ones for your social life.
Each pasta piece represents a commitment. If you undercommit, you might not be doing yourself justice. Yet if you overcommit, you might lose control of everything, all at once.
Each individual has a different-sized wrist, with varying abilities, strengths and weaknesses. Yet, our society favours huge wrists with many different coloured pasta pieces, bracelets almost to the point of bursting, perfectly painted pasta bracelets. But that won't make you happy.
I hope that you know yourself, and carefully study your own wrist, before building your pasta bracelet. Sometimes, some colours simply don't look right on you, and you might need to find another colour that fits better. But because these are all committments, it might not be easy to change the pasta on your bracelet without cutting the string. And don't forget to slip on a couple of unpainted pieces of pasta, to allow yourself space to relax.
This story is for all of you with a little bit too much pasta on your pasta bracelets. I hope you realise it before the bracelet falls off your wrist, and change it to suit yourself. Have fun, and all the best.
I was on the bus from school today and I was nearly home. As I reached out to press the alighting bell, which rang with an angry buzz, something on a man's wrist caught my eye.
It resembled a string of different brightly-coloured pasta tubes looped around his wrist. Residing between a bracelet of brown spherical beads and a couple of leather cords, it really looked quite out-of-place. Especially since the owner of this wrist was someone you'd call "uncle", his bare feet resting on the floor of the bus and his worn-out sandals kicked aside.
Of course, at that moment, the bus pulled to a stop and I got off pretty hastily. It was late, and I wanted to be home as quickly as I could.
Some thoughts, albeit pretty judgemental, were running through my mind. Firstly, he's a man! Why is he wearing bracelets? Secondly, if that was a pasta bracelet, why would he wear it out? Thirdly, is that really a pasta bracelet?
So for the rest of my story to work out, I assumed that it was indeed a pasta bracelet. And I calmed the gender stereotypical part of me down and accepted that, yes, men can and do wear accessories. And my final thought was: this man must be a father.
I guessed that his pasta bracelet must have been made by one of his children or grandchildren and given to him as a gift. Even though he probably knew that others might judge him for that colourful band of pasta, he wore it for the happiness of the person who made it for him.
As I walked home fron the bus stop, another thought popped up in my mind. Whoever made him the bracelet really knew him.
Sure, making a pasta bracelet may be easy. Just paint some pasta in different colours, slip them on some cotton twine and tie a knot.
But if there are too few pieces of pasta, it would look ugly, with gaps here and there. And if there are too many, the bracelet would be too loose for the wrist, and might just slip off.
We all have metaphorical pasta bracelets on our wrists. Some red pasta tubes for academics, a couple of green ones for soccer practice, blue ones for practicing your violin, purple ones for your social life.
Each pasta piece represents a commitment. If you undercommit, you might not be doing yourself justice. Yet if you overcommit, you might lose control of everything, all at once.
Each individual has a different-sized wrist, with varying abilities, strengths and weaknesses. Yet, our society favours huge wrists with many different coloured pasta pieces, bracelets almost to the point of bursting, perfectly painted pasta bracelets. But that won't make you happy.
I hope that you know yourself, and carefully study your own wrist, before building your pasta bracelet. Sometimes, some colours simply don't look right on you, and you might need to find another colour that fits better. But because these are all committments, it might not be easy to change the pasta on your bracelet without cutting the string. And don't forget to slip on a couple of unpainted pieces of pasta, to allow yourself space to relax.
This story is for all of you with a little bit too much pasta on your pasta bracelets. I hope you realise it before the bracelet falls off your wrist, and change it to suit yourself. Have fun, and all the best.
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
words.
can I confide in you?
it's a little past midnight. the question is twirling swirling whirling in my head.
the LED on my phone is shining orange. a dull orange.
so, may I know? can I confide in you?
emotions to thoughts, thoughts to words, words that invoke emotions, half-written words bring half-felt emotions.
I want to just say all I feel. how I'm tired of all """, that they all have """ so I'm not as
dis joint.
princess to rags.
stop """g me """! I hate being """, I want to cry out,
it's going swimmingly.
Words Cannot Be Said, it's not even to You???
can I confide in you?
the answer is no,
I'm too tired of being tired
too scared to be scared
too angry to be angry
this is going Swimmingly.
lightenUP the mood yeah?
oh god I sound emo af, rest assured am not, just in post-anime mood (looking back from a few months later - reminder: that anime was akatsuki no yona)
pretty depressed and praying for season 2
it's a little past midnight. the question is twirling swirling whirling in my head.
the LED on my phone is shining orange. a dull orange.
so, may I know? can I confide in you?
emotions to thoughts, thoughts to words, words that invoke emotions, half-written words bring half-felt emotions.
I want to just say all I feel. how I'm tired of all """, that they all have """ so I'm not as
dis joint.
princess to rags.
stop """g me """! I hate being """, I want to cry out,
it's going swimmingly.
Words Cannot Be Said, it's not even to You???
can I confide in you?
the answer is no,
I'm too tired of being tired
too scared to be scared
too angry to be angry
this is going Swimmingly.
lightenUP the mood yeah?
oh god I sound emo af, rest assured am not, just in post-anime mood (looking back from a few months later - reminder: that anime was akatsuki no yona)
pretty depressed and praying for season 2
Monday, June 20, 2016
future (on phone)
whew.
second post of the year!
it's june already, and I'm just thinking about life in general.
about my future, to be exact.
what do I want to do? what do I want to be?
what I thought I'd like to do is become a medical technology researcher.
but just tonight, I started thinking. what if I go into business? like start a business?
then I decided, that during my lifetime, I would definitely start a business... and I hope it will happen.
some updates for these june holidays:
1. HK trip was AMAZING because of the people on the trip. made me reflect on a lot of things too
2. NUS-SRP is pretty fine, though it's hard to understand at times. 慢慢来吧 :P
3. study with kek = life and joy. I may act all unappreciative (coz I tsun af right) but y'all make my world.
there's something that I learnt in hk. I forgot for a moment hold on (it's really late now, and I have to wake up very soon)
er
it was something inspiring lah but I can't rmb.
also, this blog could be my kryptonite HAHAHA I put so much rubbish here, so if people conduct background checks, they'll know that my brain spoil one haiz
I'm not unhappy at the moment, but I have been happier. it's funny how when the people you're surrounded with changes, you change a little inside too.
I feel uncomfortable with myself, with what I do, how I respond to things, and how I overanalyse (irony heh). because of that... it's like I'm trying so hard to hold on to who I am but it backfires miserably.
perhaps, I'm being selfish; focusing on me instead of everyone else because all I'm thinking of is "try to be myself, try to be myself"
or perhaps, I'm too fixated on the past; trying to recreate a previous experience.
or just perhaps... I'm being inflexible and I should just relax and go with the flow, instead of insisting on my way.
priorities:
1. health (mine and ppl around me)
2. happiness (mine and ppl around me)
3. everything else
I'm just writing down whatever comes to mind, I have lots of things to think through
I remember when I was younger (maybe 13 or 14), I thought that I would die before I hit 20 (just had a feeling), so I wouldn't really need to plan for the future.
and because of that, I've never really had any clear direction in life. I just tried to experience as many things as I can, tried to learn as much I can, tried anything I could get my hands on.
but now I'm 17, and it looks like there'll be a good chance of me surviving into old age. so I've really gotta start focusing hm
oh yes. the hk trip deep lesson thibg. more insightful than anything.
so there was this story where this girl really wanted a pet puppy. she asked her mum but her mum said no.
so instead, she asked if she could borrow books on puppies, and her mum said, sure.
after reading many books, she compiled all the knowledge on how to keep a puppy, and presented it to her mum. because she proved that she was serious and sincere about getting a pet puppy, her mum decided, ok, she could.
so now she has a puppy.
that really really got me thinking. and guilty.
of course, parents say no for many good reasons. and there's been far too many things that I've wanted but never got because my parents said no. but I've never looked into changing their mind in a way that really shows my sincerity towards that thing they say no to.
it's usually "please" and fluffy "I can one"s. never anything to show that I can really do it.
there's a few explanations I have for this:
1. more likely: I lack sincerity and determination. I'm not sincere towards what I want, meaning that I've never wanted anything badly enough with my whole soul and body. and that's why I don't try hard to get it, because it doesn't seem like it's worth the effort, if I'm okay with having it or not having it.
2. less likely, but may be a contributing factor: my parents don't really support things that they don't see a point to doing, especially if it's even a bit dangerous. so they say no straightaway, and don't give me leeway to prove that I really want it. and so even if they know I want it, I would feel like they would still stick to "no" as an answer.
3. I really can't handle it. coz I can't even properly take care of myself, get enough sleep, I'm semi addicted to youtube, I don't have time most of the time, I fall sick every month, etc. maybe I'm already biting off more than I can chew, and yet greedy me wants more food.
then recently, I read a lunarbaboon comic (sweet comics) about the importance of family support (the kid made an ugly cardboard spaceship for his dad, yet the dad said it was great, keep it up. in the end, the kid grew up and built a real cool spaceship, dedicated to his dad).
I cried lol
my parents are really supportive ppl, but only in academics. but I appreciate it lots anyway
sighpie
I wish I could find something I truly love doing. it's harder than finding a needle in a haystack - a needle's a needle, but passion changes with time.
I'm sleeping right about now.
my prayers: 1) acceptance 2) peace 3) drive
lynn
second post of the year!
it's june already, and I'm just thinking about life in general.
about my future, to be exact.
what do I want to do? what do I want to be?
what I thought I'd like to do is become a medical technology researcher.
but just tonight, I started thinking. what if I go into business? like start a business?
then I decided, that during my lifetime, I would definitely start a business... and I hope it will happen.
some updates for these june holidays:
1. HK trip was AMAZING because of the people on the trip. made me reflect on a lot of things too
2. NUS-SRP is pretty fine, though it's hard to understand at times. 慢慢来吧 :P
3. study with kek = life and joy. I may act all unappreciative (coz I tsun af right) but y'all make my world.
there's something that I learnt in hk. I forgot for a moment hold on (it's really late now, and I have to wake up very soon)
er
it was something inspiring lah but I can't rmb.
also, this blog could be my kryptonite HAHAHA I put so much rubbish here, so if people conduct background checks, they'll know that my brain spoil one haiz
I'm not unhappy at the moment, but I have been happier. it's funny how when the people you're surrounded with changes, you change a little inside too.
I feel uncomfortable with myself, with what I do, how I respond to things, and how I overanalyse (irony heh). because of that... it's like I'm trying so hard to hold on to who I am but it backfires miserably.
perhaps, I'm being selfish; focusing on me instead of everyone else because all I'm thinking of is "try to be myself, try to be myself"
or perhaps, I'm too fixated on the past; trying to recreate a previous experience.
or just perhaps... I'm being inflexible and I should just relax and go with the flow, instead of insisting on my way.
priorities:
1. health (mine and ppl around me)
2. happiness (mine and ppl around me)
3. everything else
I'm just writing down whatever comes to mind, I have lots of things to think through
I remember when I was younger (maybe 13 or 14), I thought that I would die before I hit 20 (just had a feeling), so I wouldn't really need to plan for the future.
and because of that, I've never really had any clear direction in life. I just tried to experience as many things as I can, tried to learn as much I can, tried anything I could get my hands on.
but now I'm 17, and it looks like there'll be a good chance of me surviving into old age. so I've really gotta start focusing hm
oh yes. the hk trip deep lesson thibg. more insightful than anything.
so there was this story where this girl really wanted a pet puppy. she asked her mum but her mum said no.
so instead, she asked if she could borrow books on puppies, and her mum said, sure.
after reading many books, she compiled all the knowledge on how to keep a puppy, and presented it to her mum. because she proved that she was serious and sincere about getting a pet puppy, her mum decided, ok, she could.
so now she has a puppy.
that really really got me thinking. and guilty.
of course, parents say no for many good reasons. and there's been far too many things that I've wanted but never got because my parents said no. but I've never looked into changing their mind in a way that really shows my sincerity towards that thing they say no to.
it's usually "please" and fluffy "I can one"s. never anything to show that I can really do it.
there's a few explanations I have for this:
1. more likely: I lack sincerity and determination. I'm not sincere towards what I want, meaning that I've never wanted anything badly enough with my whole soul and body. and that's why I don't try hard to get it, because it doesn't seem like it's worth the effort, if I'm okay with having it or not having it.
2. less likely, but may be a contributing factor: my parents don't really support things that they don't see a point to doing, especially if it's even a bit dangerous. so they say no straightaway, and don't give me leeway to prove that I really want it. and so even if they know I want it, I would feel like they would still stick to "no" as an answer.
3. I really can't handle it. coz I can't even properly take care of myself, get enough sleep, I'm semi addicted to youtube, I don't have time most of the time, I fall sick every month, etc. maybe I'm already biting off more than I can chew, and yet greedy me wants more food.
then recently, I read a lunarbaboon comic (sweet comics) about the importance of family support (the kid made an ugly cardboard spaceship for his dad, yet the dad said it was great, keep it up. in the end, the kid grew up and built a real cool spaceship, dedicated to his dad).
I cried lol
my parents are really supportive ppl, but only in academics. but I appreciate it lots anyway
sighpie
I wish I could find something I truly love doing. it's harder than finding a needle in a haystack - a needle's a needle, but passion changes with time.
I'm sleeping right about now.
my prayers: 1) acceptance 2) peace 3) drive
lynn
Friday, March 11, 2016
first post of 2016
This is my first post of 2016??? I didn't think it'd take me so long to realise how I've neglected this blog.
Anyway, today was Celebrations@SST.
It made me feel super nostalgic, especially when everyone got up to sing the school song at the end.
I doubt there'll ever be a group of people I'll love and treasure so much as my SSTmates. You guys are really such a great bunch, and I hope we'll always be close and like be each others' kids godparents omg that'd be cool.
I sincerely wanna thank all my teachers and friends who have made my life so amazing. I am really really really grateful for everything.
10 things I'll miss about SST:
1. TOILETS omg SST toilets are dabomb.
2. The easy communication between students and most teachers (and I miss these teachers too)
3. SST Show Choir
4. The laksa and tomyum <3 <3 <3 and CMR
5. Canteen tables and chairs, and generally having a small enough population to establish a table for Tablemates.
6. Having a classroom hahahaha :( S408!!!! TRIPLE SCIENCE!!!
7. USE OF MACBOOKS omg so much more convenient srsly
8. The ecopond lol
9. Orderly movement of classes from ISH to classrooms (it's such a mess in JC)
10. Uniform (skort + polo tee is heaven)
A special shoutout to my Phishkek baes: anglerπsh (HAPPY BDAY), manatee, minnow, orca, blobfish, JFS, bby tuna.
^ alphabetical order, thou knoweth who thou art (fail old english)
VJC culture is amazing? hey, no doubt. but the chillax af culture of SST will always be in my veins 8D.
so here's a quick update on my life since I received my O's results:
- I got 6 raw, minus 2. D7 FOR HCL HAHAHAHAHA
- VJC (first choice) with bruce, darelyn, william and zhi en
- my brother came back from australia for 2 weeks and now I'm applying for aus PR
- OG AZARIS 4 <3 <3
- I'm taking BCME, and I'm in class 16S37!!!
- VJChoir, medsoc, tried for SC but failed (I'm so trash ahahaha)
- Broken Chords :D
pretty standard stuff lah
VJC really quite competitive tho I scared liao MUMMY HELP D:
honestly, I wish I contributed more to SST when I was part of the school.
I love that I was part of SST. thank you for all the opportunities given to us those 4 years. *那些年!!!!*
that's all.
Anyway, today was Celebrations@SST.
It made me feel super nostalgic, especially when everyone got up to sing the school song at the end.
I doubt there'll ever be a group of people I'll love and treasure so much as my SSTmates. You guys are really such a great bunch, and I hope we'll always be close and like be each others' kids godparents omg that'd be cool.
I sincerely wanna thank all my teachers and friends who have made my life so amazing. I am really really really grateful for everything.
10 things I'll miss about SST:
1. TOILETS omg SST toilets are dabomb.
2. The easy communication between students and most teachers (and I miss these teachers too)
3. SST Show Choir
4. The laksa and tomyum <3 <3 <3 and CMR
5. Canteen tables and chairs, and generally having a small enough population to establish a table for Tablemates.
6. Having a classroom hahahaha :( S408!!!! TRIPLE SCIENCE!!!
7. USE OF MACBOOKS omg so much more convenient srsly
8. The ecopond lol
9. Orderly movement of classes from ISH to classrooms (it's such a mess in JC)
10. Uniform (skort + polo tee is heaven)
A special shoutout to my Phishkek baes: anglerπsh (HAPPY BDAY), manatee, minnow, orca, blobfish, JFS, bby tuna.
^ alphabetical order, thou knoweth who thou art (fail old english)
VJC culture is amazing? hey, no doubt. but the chillax af culture of SST will always be in my veins 8D.
so here's a quick update on my life since I received my O's results:
- I got 6 raw, minus 2. D7 FOR HCL HAHAHAHAHA
- VJC (first choice) with bruce, darelyn, william and zhi en
- my brother came back from australia for 2 weeks and now I'm applying for aus PR
- OG AZARIS 4 <3 <3
- I'm taking BCME, and I'm in class 16S37!!!
- VJChoir, medsoc, tried for SC but failed (I'm so trash ahahaha)
- Broken Chords :D
pretty standard stuff lah
VJC really quite competitive tho I scared liao MUMMY HELP D:
honestly, I wish I contributed more to SST when I was part of the school.
I love that I was part of SST. thank you for all the opportunities given to us those 4 years. *那些年!!!!*
that's all.
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