though I guess entering uni did change me a little. I mean it's always like that right? new environment, new people, new interactions, new experiences. all these lead up to growth and change, and sometimes this is good and sometimes its bad and sometimes it can be both.
don't know why I'm in such a writey mood right now (I mean I just wrote like a 2 page letter/note to my boyfriend for no reason) but yeah this is an outlet for expressing my 'creative' needs aight so bear with me.
I'd like to update this blog on some things in my life. I think firstly I'd like to list down and note my commitments for the next semester. secondly, I'd like to discuss the concept of friendship, and thirdly I'll maybe wrap it up with some goals/decisions I would like to make in the future. or maybe it'll go totally off-tangent and I'll just ramble about some rubbish along the way. we'll see yeah.
commitments: IS THAT HOW ITS SPELT I CAN'T REMEMBER HOW MANY T'S THERE ARE well fuck it. it seems correct.
I'm in hall d&d comm. honestly don't think I'm an asset to the team at all, and even if I was, I don't feel like I'm appreciated so does it even make it worth it? as in, I feel that I do put in work and effort into my role, but sometimes the communication issues and the tight-yet-flowy deadlines are really difficult to handle. I feel that I am simply too incapable to uphold the task and responsibility of my role, but since I'm already in it, all I can do is try my best. I do enjoy the job, but I feel that more honest communication is definitely required, and working with people I'm not completely comfortable with just makes it very difficult, because I have to be tactful and stuff which makes me either too nice or completely passive aggressive in tough situations. I'm not very bonded to them (different wavelength I guess, or maybe I'm not very likeable) and this kinda links to my second point on friendship. I'll continue with this in a bit.
I'm still in harmonix and cmn, and I hate hate hate missing harmonix sessions and bonding times because the people there are really really nice and I click with quite a few of them. I'm so annoyed that every time they're hanging out I have to miss it because of stupid reasons like FOOD POISONING tf that's completely ridiculous. I love singing and I love singing with them and ahhhhhh I'm so annoyed. CMN is getting exciting coz there's a new mother cat!!! and I really really want a kitten but obviously I don't have the time, logistics, and finances required to care for a kitten at this point of time - I can't even afford myself. but I'm fucking illogical so I STILL WANT A KITTEN OH MY GOD.
studies are obviously still important. my gpa this semester really surprised me - I got 4.24 when I didn't even expect to get above 3.5... honestly all of the credit goes to ryan. he sacrificed his own grades to pull mine up... and I'm so grateful to him and how much he loves me. he's an amazing teacher, and he helped my procrastinatingass so so much. I will try not to make it happen again, especially since I'm looking forward to my mods next sem, because I don't want to drag him down again.
not sure if I'm forgetting anything - I feel like I am - oh YEC? but I'm not too active anymore. I guess it's very tiring and I don't feel as valued there anymore which is fine honestly. and jamband? jamband is fucking fun but I'm TERRIBLE at keyboard which is sad.
side note here my hamster pankeki passed away last year, and it was completely and totally my fault. in the first place, I shouldn't have brought her to hall knowing that I didn't have the time or heart to care for her every day. I made her sad and hungry and alone and it breaks my heart every time knowing that she was running on her wheel in the dark, finding food but having to settle for scraps, and eventually her little life extinguished because I didn't care enough for her. she was still so optimistic and healthy but I caused her to die. I will never let that happen to anything under my care ever again.
moving on to the second point: friendship. honestly, the concept of friendship is very fucking abstract, but it's such a loser thing to wonder if one has friends or not?? in a way ah. like it's an insecure thing to do, to think about whether your friends care about you like how you care about them. but I'm sure even the most confident person thinks about things like that sometimes? it's natural to want affection from people you care about right?
last year I learnt something important - don't waste your time on people who don't care about you. I realise that sometimes I just try too hard on people I want to like me, but don't. do you get? like we're not close, and we'll likely never be very close, but I still hang out with them because fomo and I don't want to be 'that person' who just phantoms off you know? but honestly, sometimes if you just can't get along, or if the people just don't like you as you are, it feels much better to just fuck off and not force yourself to go for social events. I mean, of course it's always good to form diplomatic connections, but some people just aren't worth my time. and it's okay to admit that. it's okay that you don't click with everyone you meet. and it took me way too long to realise that.
I think I fell into that trap of spending time with people I don't truly love being around because it's somehow better to be surrounded by a group of friends-not-friends than to be alone all the fucking time. it's a loserly thing to say, but wow I hate being alone. and sometimes it feels like if I don't put in the effort to talk to others and get to know them, I'll end up alone. and I don't like it. I'm an attention whore and I enjoy interacting with people. yet I can't stand it if I can't truly connect to the people in the group and speak my mind - it stresses me out so much. yet my mind is semi fucked up so not everyone can handle my true thoughts without thinking I'm weird. to all of you who think I'm weird but still like me, I am terribly grateful to you.
and this is the reason why I'm valuing the chalet with my fac friends over everything else - d&d chalet, hall prod rehearsals, etc... in the past, I would have chosen my commitments over the chalet. after all, the chalet is only for fun right? and it's not like it's important for work or anything, it's just to chill. but honestly, I value my fac friends a lot. they make university a lot better for me and they accept me even though I'm weird as fuck and that is so so important to me. I'm terrible at friendships and showing my appreciation for people, but I hope that they know how much they mean to me.
the other people I really value are my sst friends - who've stuck with me through my horrible stages of growing up, and I am so very thankful that we still meet and everything. most of the other people I honestly truly treasure are on my private ig, so if you're there, it's likely you mean a lot to me. there are other people I wish I hadn't drifted apart from, and maybe I'll work on it in the near future.
I guess there's another point, where I learnt that maybe sometimes you don't always have to be considered a person's friend to consider them your friend. like if they've added value to your life, and you're thankful and you want to keep them in your life, maybe it's on you to make the effort to stay friends with them. and at that point, as long as you're not forcing them to hang out with you or stuff like that, I'm sure they'll appreciate where you're coming from.
and of course, my wonderful boyfriend ryan chui. warning - I'm fucking cringe (but ryan is as bad I swear, I know you can't imagine it but god damn sometimes he's worse) so skip the next 2 paragraphs if you're not into that.
words simply cannot express how fucking perfect he is, and I'm not just biased okay. I never expected to get together with him, but I am so glad that we are. even though he's gross af sometimes and makes me cry because he's too logical and I'm not and so I can't help but to get annoyed at it, he's an amazing partner and handles all my bullshit so well. y'all see him from the outside and probably think, okay he's pretty solid but he makes stupid jokes and sometimes he's fucking annoying and WHILE THAT'S ALL TRUE, he's also fucking fluffy on the inside (he hides it from almost everyone but he's actually emotional af and I love it and he's embarrassed by it too so don't tell him I wrote this even though I'm just gonna show him this anyway because I can't hide anything from him because me). it makes me really happy to see him smile at the stupidest things - the other day we were walking to extension for supper, and we were looking at the stars because they were so pretty and he was like "I think that orion's belt" then I was like "huh really, isn't this a ryan's belt" and I tugged on his belt LIKE DAMN THAT WAS THE SMOOTHEST PUN EXECUTION EVER and he was fucking done with me but so so cute tryna hide his laughter and shit. and he does so many things for me like send me home, buy me food, take care of me when I'm sad or not well, and he never complains. I am always so thankful that he exists, and I really don't know why he says I'm worth his time, but I'm happy he thinks so. like I asked him if he'd rather have a girlfriend, or not have a girlfriend, and he said that he'd rather not so that he had more time (and money) for himself to sleep and do stuff he likes to do. and the fact that he chose me over all that makes me feel so honoured. sometimes I'm scared that he'll sorta wake up one day and regret wasting all his time and effort on me, and just walk out. but I did give him a get-out-of-jail-free card (because I'm really a lot to handle imho) so if he really can't stand me one day, I will let him go. BUT ONLY ONCE SO if he wants me back after HE'S GOTTA KEEP ME FOR LIFE. hahahha honestly speaking though, I'm glad we're both mature enough to talk about anything and everything, and not beat around the bush about stupid things that lead to miscommunication and fights in the end. it's not like we only talk about deep shit all the time though, we insult each other and have fun talking about nonsensical stuff most of the time in fact. and I love that we can have that balance. he's really all I want in a partner and more.
he's the best thing that's ever happened to me and I love him. he makes me believe in myself, and makes me a better person. wah what if I scare him away with how creepy and obsessed I sound :') I can only try to take care of him as much as he takes care of me, and provide him all the emotional and physical support I can. ryan if you read this, I predict you'll cringe externally but actually be happy internally. and just because I said that you're gonna pretend that I'm wrong. but whatever. HAPPY 4TH MONTHSARY stupid. I mean it's not yet, but it's the correct month at least hoho. u cute and I love you.
okay moving on to the last point - goals. I'm not amazing at following the goals that I set, but imma try aight?
FINANCES: I want to get a job. maybe I'll try teaching? not very good at it generally but I can learn. not much to elaborate there, I'm just scared I won't be able to commit fully. maybe I'll just work at a pet shop even though it's not as good money. I want to be able to afford everything I want, and not rely on ryan + pay him back. and maybe it's a good time to continue volunteering with animals, since I want to work with animals in the future. find a summer internship at the zoo maybe? or at a vet's office.
ARTISTIC: I do want to learn photography. it feels like a very transferable skill, applicable to a lot of things. or work on graphic design? because I'm not very naturally artistic, it feels like a steep mountain to climb, but I am interested in it. or maybe work on music - haven't been doing much of that recently - maybe pick up violin since I suddenly have a violin. and honestly maybe I'll explore acting a bit more, it's enjoyable and I'm not terrible at it for some weird reason. and HAHA MAYBE cosplay again since I got a weeb boyfriend. ah, all this requires time. gotta see how. long term goals yeah.
ACADEMICS: please let me at least maintain my gpa above 4. I'm happy with that, but I also recognise that I need to put in more work as mods will likely just get tougher. I want to go on exchange in year 3!! and I want to be able to choose a cool place.. and mid-term scholarship dream is possible again yay, gotta look out for them and not miss applying for them like the last time. so maybe to achieve this, I can check my email more often, and go for lessons, and not study so last minute.
HEALTH: I feel that ryan has helped me a lot sleep-schedule wise heh. that's a good trend to continue. could eat healthier though, and EXERCISE. maybe I'll take up dance again, I really miss forgetting all my moves. anybody wanna go dance classes together?? somehow wanna try contemp even though it's hard.
SOCIAL: I'm happy with the friends that I have, and what I want to do is to deepen the bonds we have with each other. I love the fact that they're there for me even when I'm stupid and act like a piece of shit, and maybe it's time I do something nice for them. and of course spend time with ryan (where possible) and explore with him - food, travel, mountain-climbing :) also NEVER drink until I throw up again. it is NOT fun.
SORRY IF I'M MENTIONING RYAN A LOT. he's a huge part of my life lmao and hopefully he'll continue to be. wow this is cringe.
I spent a long time typing all that and yet I still wanna type more so I'm just gonna let my fingers do their thing and type whatever they want.
AND now they stop. amazing. how cooperative.
I know I'm pretty much talking to myself. no I'm not insane. but the best people are.
I don't know what to talk about... I guess this ends here then. I'm a bit hungry.