I have a bad feeling about how it's going to play out.
I'll be at the MPH, seated and waiting to get my O Level results. The atmosphere will be tense and I will be busy calming my nerves by pretending that O Levels is nothing big.
The new principal would have already made a speech, and maybe talked about how we did as a cohort, and saying things like no matter how we did for our O Levels, we can only look forward.
The certs will be given to us by our form teachers, and already there would be people, level-mates of mine, clutching their certificates, some pale-faced, some smiling, some trying their best to hold back their tears, some in disbelief... If emotions were colours, the MPH would definitely be a rainbow that day.
As for me, my mother would have wished me good luck at home and high-fived me. I would have worked up the courage to believe that I've done well. Really well. And I would be all confident, carefree and "it's no big deal if I fail right?" while thinking, no way am I going to fail this.
Until my name is called. Reality will hit me in the face when I realise that my future lies on that paper just a few meters away from me. A rush of panic will shoot through my body as I stand up and walk, still "chill", to get my results. A wane smile will fall across my face as I try to read my teacher's facial expressions, to get an insight on how I did.
"Have a seat, Lynnette."
Slowly,
slowly,
slowly,
I check that my details are correct, ensure that my name has both n's and my NRIC number ends with the correct letter. Wasting as much time as I can before I let my eyes wander down to where subject grades will be.
In the deepest corner of my heart, I wish for straight A1s, except Higher Chinese which I'll be elated with just a pass. In fact, right up until the moment I actually see my results, I believe that that's exactly how I did.
But life isn't like that.
At that moment, I wouldn't feel anything. My expectations would just have lowered themselves to suit my results.
"Haha, I didn't think I could do this well."
Oh, what lies.
I would then clutch my cert just like the others before me, thank my teacher and leave.
I would digest what my results mean to my future.
I would start to consider my options in a clear-headed, logical way that is my escape route when things get messy emotionally.
Even my closest friends will think I'm a downright bitch when I act like O Levels is nothing and ask to compare results like comparing luxury handbag brands. But that's because by then, I will have thrown every emotion out of my window.
This blog post is a preparation for that day, coming up very soon. My expectations for myself are outrageously high for what I know I can get realistically. So I'm just gonna go ahead and say this to me in the future (on O Level results day):
Don't lower your expectations just because you did bad. That's cowardly and disgusting, though it may make you feel better about how you did. If you did shit, you did shit, and just accept that. Stop running away. You've set your expectations, so keep to them. Accept that you haven't met them, but also accept that it's alright to not have done so. If you can't yet... You can be sad for a while. But just a while.
Oh but if you did better than someone else, don't tell them you did shit, because that's insensitive af.
This unsexy blog post is probably the realest thing here ever.
Notice that I didn't include anything about worrying for my friends' results. You guessed it, I'm the most selfish thing on this planet. JK lah, I honestly just know that they're gonna be good.
Bonus panic mode!
Dammit what if I actually fail? I'm being so damn arrogant and all and thinking that I can't possibly fail, but what if I do??? God please don't let me fail O Levels amen. Ugh, what if I'm just short of 1 point???? It'll be so stupid. What if my friends become awkward around me because they want to empathise with me but they don't know exactly how to do that? Man that'd be freaking awkward. I wouldn't be able to live with that. Are my expectations very very high? Am I putting too much pressure on myself? When does stress become unhealthy? I'm not even stressed I'm just.... Worried? Isn't that like similar. I mean, okay, but it's reasonable to get worried about exam results right? Results aren't everything... There are definitely many other cooler and better things in life that don't require academics. Okay I need to sleep.